Bible Jokes

Most of these are pretty corny, but some are kind of clever.

Hover over the “answer” link to see the answers.  (If your browser doesn’t show link titles, let me know.)

Name the only person in the Bible without parents.  answer

Who is the shortest person on the Bible? answer

Who was the fastest person in the Bible? answer

Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? answer

Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible? answer

What kind of man was Boaz before he got married? answer

Who was the first drug addict in the Bible? answer

Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? answer

Where is the first baseball game in the Bible? answer

How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden? answer

What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out? answer

What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden? answer

The ark was built in 3 stories, and the top story had a window to let light in, but how did they get light to the bottom 2 stories? answer

Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible? answer

Which servant of Jehovah was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible? answer

Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy? answer

How do we know that Job went to a chiropractor? answer

Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible? answer

What is the first recorded case of constipation in the Bible? answer

Paul and the Law

I was referred to this blog post recently, and because of the detailed response required, I have captured my thoughts here on my own blog.

Before getting into his main argument (that Christians should adhere to the Law of Moses), the author (Aaron) acknowledges to his reader(s) that…

“You have the real advantage of the entire body of orthodox Christian interpretation on your side. I acknowledge my views as being outside the pale of commonly accepted Christian belief.”

While I know that many who have come to believe that Christians should observe the Mosaic Law have struggled with the fact that so many trusted theologians and preachers teach otherwise, I think this point deserves more weight than it gets.

We are commanded to be subject to our elders (I Peter 5:5). This doesn’t mean our elders are infallible; we still have an obligation to examine Scripture for ourselves. In some cases, those whom we would consider our elders do not agree with each other. In those cases, we might follow the elders we trust the most, arrive at our own conclusion based on personal study, or leave the matter unresolved. However, when the vast majority of our elders are teaching more or less the same thing on a given subject, it strongly suggests that I should not abandon their teaching for my own ideas or the ideas of someone else whom I find more agreeable.

As I look at those whom I would consider as elders, who have committed their lives to the study and proclamation of God’s Word, I cannot believe that they are all unaware of the historical and cultural context that would supposedly reveal the true meaning of Scripture as regards the Law. These are highly educated men who have devoted their lives to this pursuit.

Being made aware of the historical and cultural context, I cannot believe that they are all unable to see it for what it is and accurately deduce the correct meaning. These are highly intelligent men who evidence giftedness in interpreting God’s Word.

Seeing the historical and cultural context for what it is, I cannot believe that they are all unwilling to accept an interpretation that is contrary to their preexisting beliefs. These are godly men who evidence the character that is fitting for an elder. I place more confidence, as a whole, in their willingness to follow the Spirit than in my own.

That being said, I must move on to the specifics of the discussion at hand.

Aaron highlights the supposed discrepancy between the way the Law was regarded by Moses and the Prophets, Jesus, the Apostles, etc and the typical interpretation of Paul’s writings. He then sets up two untenable conclusions and the conclusion that he would have us believe. The problem is, his statements are constructed in a way that I would term a “false dilemma.”

When it comes to “reinterpreting” Paul, it is necessary to “redefine” what Paul meant by “law” and “circumcision,” assigning to them the extra-biblical actions that constituted a “legal” conversion of nationality.

However, when “law” is referred to elsewhere, it is taken to explicitly mean the Mosaic Law in its entirety. This assumption of definition is what sets up the logical fallacy that insists on a reinterpretation of Paul as the only way out.

I have not done what I would consider a thorough study of the use of the word “law” or its synonyms. I do know that God commended Abraham because he “obeyed my voice and kept my charge, my commandments, my statutes, and my laws.” This was before the Mosaic Law was given, so we have a precedent for considering God’s “law” to be broader than the list of commandments given to Israel.

As soon as the Ten Commandments were given, Moses tells the Israelites that God is using this set of laws to test them (Exodus 20:20). They fail the test miserably, making it clear that we need something more than “guidelines” for how to live.

The laws that were given to Israel were part of the “Book of the Covenant.” In comparing the covenants that God has made with mankind, I think it is significant that the Mosaic Law is linked with the covenant God made with Israel at Mount Sinai. This was a conditional covenant, summarized as “obey the commands I have given you, and things will go well; disobey, and I will send calamity.” This Old Covenant was neither capable of nor intended to justify man or produce righteousness. The New Covenant, which makes the first one obsolete (Hebrews 8:13), also puts an end to the external regulations associated with the Old Covenant (Hebrews 9:10).

I have started a beginning attempt at a unified approach to God’s various covenants with mankind here: Biblical Covenants.

The broader “Law of God” is to be understood and obeyed in much the same way as in the time of Abraham. As Paul said in I Corinthians 9:20-21, he is not under the law that the Jews followed, but is subject to the rule of God in his life.

Going back to Aaron’s post, he says near the end that “by becoming Jewish, they accepted upon themselves the additional liability of the special responsibilities of the Jewish people.” What are these “special responsibilities,” if not the Mosaic Law? What was it that made the nation of Israel “Jewish?” Was it not their shared cultural heritage, as expressed in and built upon the Book of the Covenant? How is it possible for a Gentile to observe the Mosaic Law without becoming “Jewish?”

Crippling Emotions

Q: What do Depression, Anxiety, Fear, Worry, and Anger have in common?

A: They are all emotional responses that can be debilitating. Depression can result in a lack of hope and a lack of motivation. Anxiety, fear, and worry can result in a lack of confidence and an inability to make decisions. Anger can cloud judgment and break down personal relationships.

Emotions, in and of themselves, are good. God gave us emotions and a proper response to emotions should cause us to direct our hearts and our minds towards Him. However, our response to our emotions is often wrong. An incorrect response to emotions can result in being controlled by our emotions, rather than controlling our emotions. When this happens, emotions can become crippling and debilitating.

Depression, anxiety (along with fear and worry), and anger not only share similaries in that they are all emotional responses. I believe they also share similar causes concerning how these emotions can become crippling. In each case, the fundamental reason why these emotions become crippling is the same. The underlying cause is facing a reality (or potential reality) that you believe to be unbearable.

In his book Out of the Blues, Wayne Mack identifies three causes of depression. 1. A refusal to deal with sin and guilt biblically. 2. Mishandling a difficult event. 3. Clinging to unbiblical standards. I think the same three causes could be applied to fear and anger as well. In each case, the result leads to facing a current reality or a potential future that is thought to be unbearable.

The depressed person sees an unbearable situation, and is crushed by it. The fearful or anxious person frets over how they will deal with it. The angry person lashes out at the situation. The response is different, but the cause is the same. There is also a further underlying reason why people struggling with crippling emotions come to see a situation as unbearable. In each case, it can be traced back to a desire to be in control. A person may become depressed when they see that they cannot control the outcome they would like. A person who wants to control a situation, but does not know how (yet thinks they should be able to), becomes anxious. A person who lashes out in anger is trying to control the situation. Sometimes these three responses may overlap, and a person may experience more than one of these emotions. Anger and attempts to control a situation can be expressed passively also. A person who exhibits “passive-aggressive” behavior is attempting to exert control by giving limited control to another person and assigning responsibility to another person for their own actions.

Q: When emotions have taken control, what is the proper response?

A: It starts with a recognition that you are struggling to be in control of your own life. Without a willingness to let go of control and allow God to be in control (and trusting God with that control), none of the other steps toward recovery will be effective.

The next step is to identify the current reality or potential future that you find to be unbearable. What is unbearable and why is it unbearable? Once the situation has been identified (there may be more than one situation; in fact, there may be many–each needs to be identified and dealt with individually), there are only two possibilities. 1. The situation is not unbearable. 2. The supposed situation cannot be true.

I’m not sure which will be harder: identifying the unbearable situation, or believing the right things about the situation. It may take a long time to pinpoint the situation that seems unbearable. However, identifying the concern is necessary to gain an understanding of why the situtation is either not unbearable or not possible. Even when the concern has been identified, it may be difficult to know whether or not the supposed situation is truly possible or not. However, I submit that one of the two cases is true. Either the situation is bearable, or not possible.

Should the latter be true, recognizing that a potentially dreadful situation is precluded by God’s promises means that whatever situation you find yourself in is bearable. Recognizing that an unfortunate situation is bearable does not remove the hardship, but it does offer hope that it’s possible to have peace and joy in spite of the circumstances.

By focusing on these two possibilities (as opposed to focusing on the situation itself), the consequences of accepting and dealing with sin are seen to be bearable; the circumstances of a difficult event are seen to be bearable; letting go of values you have clung to is seen to be bearable.

Labels

Some people like to categorize things; some people hate to be labeled. It strikes me that labels are useful for categorizing similar practices and/or ideas and contrasting them with different practices and/or ideas. However, when it comes to critiquing practices and/or ideas, labels may cease to be useful and actually become a hindrance.

For example, there is no harm in stating that belief in the total depravity of man, God’s sovereign election, His irresistible grace, and His keeping of His elect are common to Calvinism. By way of contrast, the belief that the gift of salvation can be received by anyone who will accept it, and can also be forsaken are common to Arminianism. To say that these beliefs are common, is accurate, but does not imply that all Calvinists believe the same way.

Now suppose an individual who believes that man is incapable of choosing, or even accepting, God without God reaching down and changing his heart, is confronted by another person who believes that God offers salvation to all and it is up to each individual to accept or reject God’s gift. The latter may say, “What you believe is wrong. That is what Calvinism teaches, and Calvinism is false.” The first individual may protest, “I am not a Calvinist.” Or, he may say, “I describe myself as a Calvinist, but what you say Calvinism teaches is not what I believe.”

The second individual should not address whether Calvinism is true or false. He would do better to address whether the particular belief in question is true or false.

The same comparison can be displayed for the set of beliefs that are common to postmodernism. It may be true that postmodernism in general is inclined to question the validity of conclusions and assumptions that were previously widely accepted. It may be true that postmoderns are generally loathe to take a hard stance on many issues. However, start explaining to someone who is attracted to postmodernism that postmodernism is dangerous and rejects the truth, and they will quickly object that you don’t understand postmodernism. Therefore, it is better to reach acceptance on what they believe, then challenge whether that particular belief is true.

The Purpose of Alcohol

Search the web, or ask around, and you’ll find lots of opinions about whether Christians should drink alchohol. Some people says it’s wrong (ie, sinful), and they have Scripture to reinforce their opinion. Some people say it’s not wrong (ie, not a sin), but still something to be discouraged, and they have Scripture to reinforce their opinion. Others say it’s not wrong to drink, and there is no reason to discourage drinking; it just needs to be done in moderation (ie, don’t get drunk) and may need to be avoided in certain situations (ie, don’t cause a fellow believe to stumble into sin); these also have Scripture to reinforce their position.

I think these arguments, like so many arguments, miss the point by focusing on the action (ie, the “do” or the “don’t”) instead of the purpose (ie, the “why”).

It is my intent, therefore, to take a Biblical look at the purpose of Alcohol.

In order to find passages discussing alcohol and to distinguish between different types of alcohol, let’s first review the different words used for alcohol in the Bible.

yayin (H3196) – Typically translated as “wine” in the Old Testament. Strong’s definition: “from an unused root meaning to effervesce.”

she?ka?r (H7941) – Typically translated as “strong drink” in the Old Testament. Strong’s definition: “an intoxicant, that is, intensely alcoholic liquor.”

ti?yro?sh (H8492) – Typically translated as “new wine” or “sweet wine” in the Old Testament. Wine which has been freshly pressed.

oinos (G3631) – The New Testament equivalent of “yayin.”

sikera (G4608) – The New Testament equivalent of “she?ka?r.”

gleukos (G1098) – The New Testament equivalent of “ti?yro?sh.”

There are a few other words used for various forms of alcohol, but they are used rarely or are minor variations of the words above. These word forms are sufficient to determine the usage of alcohol in the Bible and the intended purpose of alcohol. If it comes to light that a different word provides significant insight, the list will be revised.