Online "dating" (a male perspective)

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A while back, out of boredom and curiousity, I posted a profile at several online dating sites (match.com, cupid.com, true.com, etc; there are a bunch). Here is what I can tell you from my experience. Some of these will sound like superficial generalizations, so bear with me.

(in no particular order)

  • The number of Christians is small. Some will check the “Christian” box by “default” because they aren’t Buddhist, Hindu, or Muslim, and they believe in God; but they aren’t necessarily born-again. In the “what they’re looking for” category, if they leave religion Open/Any/All, it tells you they don’t really understand the Christian concept of being unequally yoked. Even if they are true Christians, someone who was raised on Catholic or ELCA doctrine is not likely to see eye-to-eye with me on a lot of issues. The number of people who have a faith that is truly compatible with mine is very low.
  • There are quite a few women who are divorced and/or have children. In a way, this reflects reality, but I think the percentages are higher for online dating sites. I think single mothers or divorcees are more likely to use an online dating site than someone who has never been married. That may not be true, but that’s my impression. This is not to say that you should automatically rule out someone who has been married before or had children out of wedlock, but it’s not the ideal situation.
  • If they haven’t been married and don’t have kids, they’re likely to be overweight and/or unattractive. I don’t say this to be mean or superficial, and I realize it’s a generalization; it’s simply my observation of a trend that I saw. It seems to me that the people who are most likely to use online dating sites are those who have been unsuccessful in meeting someone via the “normal” means. Often, that means those who have had failed relationships, or those who are not found to be attractive (or don’t consider themselves attractive to others). Again, this is not to say that you should rule out someone who isn’t a knockout. It’s inner beauty that really counts, and someone’s inner beauty can influence how you view the exterior “package.” However, I do believe that physical attraction, though a minor consideration, is important. I also believe that a measure of physical compatibility is important. All other things equal, a 6-foot supermodel is probably not the best match for me. On the other hand, I prefer to marry someone who I can carry across the threshold; so I either need to really start working out, or find someone who weighs less than I do.
  • To actually have a conversation with someone, most sites require you to purchase a subscription. They usually filter out email addresses, IM accounts, web sites, etc, and some are more aggressive than others at censoring profiles to eliminate any description of how to contact you outside of their system.
  • You are likely to cultivate interest from people who don’t interest you. This makes me feel kind of bad when someone tries to contact me or let me know they are interested in learning more about me, and I either ignore them or let them know that I’m not interested. It’s one thing to get to know someone, but since it’s a dating site, I don’t want to get someone’s hopes up when I suspect they’re not what I’m looking for.

Also, some people lie, long distance relationships are tough, and the impersonal nature of the internet has it’s complications.

On the plus side, some of the personality tests and questions you have to answer in the process of creating a profile are kind of fun and helpful in learning about yourself and what you’re looking for. eHarmony.com is probably the best in that regard.

originally posted 3/3/2005 on bibleforums.org

Drinking

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Is it okay for a Christian to go to a bar?

Originally posted 3/5/2005 on bibleforums.org:

I grew up in fundamental evangelical churches, mostly Baptist, and drinking was always discouraged. Especially in the youth group, which I can understand, because teenage drinking is illegal and teens are suspectible to peer pressure. I’m sure a number of people considered alcohol consumption a sin, but I think the general consensus was “technically, we can’t categorically call it a sin, but we frown on anyone who drinks or smokes, and the expectation is that a Christian shouldn’t do it.”

I went to a Christian high school, and if any drinking went on, I wasn’t aware of it. I had my first beer when I was 22, and I went to play pool with a couple of guys I worked with. They got a pitcher of beer, and since I had no moral objection to it, I thought it would be better to share it with them than to raise some artificial wall between us by saying “sorry, I don’t drink.”

The point of this thread was not whether or not it’s okay to drink, but whether a Christian should frequent saloons. The two questions are related, because your answer to the latter depends on what you think about the former, but there is a distinction.

There are two or three verses that are [mis]used more than any others to condemn certain “grey area” activities. 1 Thess. 5:22, “abstain from all appearance of evil,” and Rom 14:21 & 1 Cor. 8:13, the “offends your brother” passages. The argument goes that even if you don’t get drunk, people in bars get drunk, so going to a bar “appears evil” so you shouldn’t do it. Or if another Christian thinks something is wrong, you shouldn’t let them see you do it, because it will offend them. Since you never know who might see you going into a bar, you’re better off not going at all.

The problem is, I Thess 5:22 is not saying “avoid anything that LOOKS like it could be evil, regardless of whether or not it really is.” It’s saying, “avoid anything that IS evil, regardless of how it looks.” The passages in Romans and 1 Corinthians refer to actually causing your brother to sin, not just doing something that they think is wrong. This one still has some merit, because if your brother has a problem with overindulging alcohol, you don’t want to be guilty of leading him into temptation.

I have an occasional beer. It might be at home, it might be at Applebee’s, or it might be at a bar. To me, where I have it is not important. If I go to a bar, it might be because I want to build a relationship with some non-Christian friends, or it might just be me and some Christian friends going to listen to a band who happens to be playing there.

Originally posted 3/3/2005 on bibleforums.org:

Deut 14:26 (KJV)

And thou shalt bestow that money for whatsoever thy soul lusteth after, for oxen, or for sheep, or for wine, or for strong drink, or for whatsoever thy soul desireth: and thou shalt eat there before the LORD thy God, and thou shalt rejoice, thou, and thine household.

wine = yayin: from an unused root meaning to effervesce (ie, fermented)
strong drink = she?ka?r: an intoxicant, that is, intensely alcoholic liquor

As far as I can tell, neither OT nor NT prohibit alcohol.

Randomness

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Sometimes my dog runs and jumps on the deck, but he’s going too fast, so he slides, especially if there is ice or a thin layer or snow on the deck like right now because it’s been snowing, which really stinks because it’s March and I wish it would get warm so I can ride my motorcycle that I bought last October but didn’t get a chance to ride much before it started to get cold, except for New Years Eve when it was nice out so I took it out for a ride after I changed the stock muffler to a muffler intended for a Harley Sportster which I bought off eBay (the muffler, not a Sportster), but I only needed one muffler because my bike is a single cylinder, but I got two since Sportsters have two, so now I have an extra one that I need to sell, but I’ve been lazy and haven’t posted it yet, which is kind of weird because I spend a lot of time on the internet and I already have pictures of it so it wouldn’t be too hard to post it, but I guess part of my reluctance is that packaging it up and taking it to the post office is kind of a pain, so I’d rather just sell it or give it to someone local, but I don’t really know anybody who could use it, although there is a FreeCycle message board for offering things up for free that I tried to sign up for, but for some reason it didn’t work so I’ll have to try it again, and if it works I might also be able to get rid of an old printer that doesn’t work very well, but I hate to just throw it away, so maybe someone else might be interested in it if it’s free and all they have to do is replace the printhead, which I think may be the reason why it doesn’t print very well anymore, although it’s several years old and printer technology has advanced enough that for ~$50 you can get a pretty decent printer brand new, which is about what you have to pay for a new print head, so maybe I should just throw my old printer in the trash, although maybe it would be better to recycle it, but I’m not sure who recycles printers, and I don’t want to have to pay to recycle it, like I did with my old monitor that didn’t work, and I couldn’t find anyone who was interested in repairing it, and you’re not supposed to throw TV’s or monitors in the trash because of the lead in the CRT, so I had to pay $5 to dispose of it, which is lame, but I’ve paid over $5 to see a lame movie before, which is less entertaining than watching my dog slide across the deck, which is kind of funny, as long as he doesn’t hurt himself.

originally posted 3/10/2005 on bibleforums.org

Mental Illness

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Is mental illness a true physical illness, or a spiritual condition caused by sin? What does the Bible have to say about mental illness, and how we should treat a friend or family member who is mentally unstable?

Orginally posted 3/11/2005 on bibleforums.org:

Unfortunately, the Bible does not specifically address every situation that we encounter. Mental illness is one of those areas where we’re left to use our understanding of general biblical principles and guidance from the Holy Spirit.

Mental illness is just that–an illness. It’s not a personality flaw or a spiritual condition, although those are usually involved too, so it can be hard to separate the two. However, the physical illness must be addressed before someone can think clearly enough to evaluate their own spiritual condition.

James 2:16

If one of you says to him, “Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it?

I think a principle we can take from this verse is that offering spiritual advice without practical help is of little value.

I have had [close] dealings with two different people who suffered from different forms of mental illness. One was my father, who became extremely depressed and obsessive/compulsive, to the point that he could not function. Our entire family agreed that he needed to go to the hospital, and although it was an immensely humbling step for him to take, he was willing to listen to us and voluntarily admit himself. He stayed in the pyschiatric ward for a while, and between the medicine and counseling, he regained the ability to function. He does not like being on medication, but if he cuts it back too far, he starts to slip into deep depression again. He is a devout Christian, who places a very high priority on holiness and adherance to God’s Word. I am convinced that his depression is a symptom of a chemical imbalance.

I have another friend, who I can only describe as a psychopath. He refuses to seek help or admit that he has a problem. He does not think rationally; he is angry and bitter and thinks the world is out to get him. Once he gets an idea in his head that he has been wronged, he absolutely cannot get it out of his head. For a number of years, I tried to be a friend and provide a listening ear. He would call me on the phone several times a week, and talk for an hour or more if I let him; I barely got a word in edgewise. However, he decided that there were some things I had said that he did not like, and that became the only thing he could talk about. It reached a point where we could no longer have a normal conversation, so I stopped talking to him. He would call me many times a day, all hours of the day, and leave nasty messages on my answering machine. I haven’t spoken to him for months, but he still calls occasionally just to leave an angry message. In this case, I cannot help him. There is nothing that I can say that is of any value to him, and just listening to him has no benefit to either of us. Since he is unwilling to seek counseling or a medical evaluation, I just stay away from him.

Rom 12:18

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

There will be cases where it’s not possible to live peaceably with someone. Read the Old Testament; God is not a pacifist. We are not to take judgement into our own hands, and we are to consider others as more important than ourselves, but we ought not let others walk all over us (see Luke 22:36).

1Co 5:11

But now I am writing you that you must not associate with anyone who calls himself a brother but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or a slanderer, a drunkard or a swindler. With such a man do not even eat.

If someone claims to be a Christian, then they have an obligation to obey the Bible. If they refuse to listen, then it may be necessary to keep them at a distance.

Gal 6:2

Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.

If someone is unable to deal with their mental illness, then it is appropriate to take the necessary steps to get help for them. This can be difficult to make happen if they are unwilling, and someone else in the family does not have some sort of power of attorney (POA) for making medical decisions on their behalf.

Luk 18:7

And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off?

Don’t give up on prayer. The widow in this parable had to pester the unjust judge to get a response, but God is not unjust; He will provide a solution. Loving someone means doing what is best for them. If someone is doing harm to those around them, it is better for their own sake that they not be left to continue behaving that way. They may not like what is best for them, and they may fight it. But if it’s within your power to help them, the loving thing to do is to endure the short-term pain of doing what is necessary to ensure their best interest in the long run.

God’s will

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What is God’s will for my life?

Orginally posted 3/12/2005 on bibleforums.org:

It’s not uncommon to misunderstand God’s will, or to make God’s will more encompassing than it really is. Some people put their life on hold, trying to figure out “what’s God’s will for my life?” God’s will for all of us is made very clear in the Bible. Sure, there will be specific ways in which God wants to use our individual lives, but it’s not our job to figure out God’s customized individual plan for the next 30 years of our life.

People debate God’s sovereignty vs. the free will of man when it comes to salvation, and I place the primary importance on God’s sovereignty. But when it comes to living life–deciding where to go to school, what job to take, who to marry, where to live, etc., I don’t think God has one preordained path for us that we will miss out on if we make the wrong choice. We need to evaluate our choices using the wisdom and understanding God has given us, based on the principles laid out in the Bible. “God’s will” is the choice that best mirrors the lifestyle described in the Bible. Beyond that, we’re free to exercise our own will, and God will work out the details.